did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
