Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
