how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
