Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
