sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
