I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
