I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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