i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize