JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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