I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
