I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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