I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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