i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
