why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
