thus making me awesome and them whores
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
