She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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