I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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