mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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