tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
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