My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
