the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
