First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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