i think my mom watched the whole time
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
