I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
