My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
