well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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