dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
