Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
