Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Im part way to drunk.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
