the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
