It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
