Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
