just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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