i just made my gag reflex go away.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize