We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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