So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
