May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
