i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
