So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
