oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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