May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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