he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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