you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize