yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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