this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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