i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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