My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
