it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
