i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
