somebody snuck up and got me drunk
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
