Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
