The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize