Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
