When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
